My house has been under attack of the rhino-cold-virus thingy for about two weeks now. I thought I was fucking invincible as I watched A-me go down for the count twice, Mr. 7 and Mr. 5 out for a couple days, and I had nothing but my normal sneeze here and there. Unfortunately on Saturday I realized I am a mere mortal. I woke up at the butt crack of dawn with a neon green softball jammed up my right nostril, my face was fucking melting, and then there was what felt like a wool jacket on the inside of my throat. Awesome!

Punk skull pajamas, fuzzy wool slippers, and a big brown leather coat are the items that accompanied me and my 20 foot pile of bad hair, to the local drug store... and they were OUT!!!!!!! of my usual i feel like shit medicine. So I purchased what I thought was the next best thing. I purchased this:

Once I got home, I ate the breakfast of champions, and no, I really don't know what it was... I couldn't taste it. Shortly there after I shuffled into the living room, mouth gaping wide open, drool plummeting to the floor, eyes lethargic and reddened like some movie extra from Shaun of the Dead.

Yeah, I took one of these pills. Just one, and this one pill that took an act of fucking congress to open. Holy MOTHER of God! just fucking open already!!

Within minutes I felt like a monkey stuffed in a fish-bowl. My eyelids felt like they had been pulled back over my forehead. Vision, slightly fu- hey! how did we end up at the movie theater? Is this my popcorn? Where the fuck is my toothbrush!?!?

This shit gets five glorious fucking stars. I wasn't even aware that I had a face, let alone a runny nose or a stuffy head. Sunday morning rolled around and I could still feel residuals, I still felt like I had snorted 14 pounds of cocaine, I felt fabulous. WHAT COLD?!?!?! I don't even remember having a weekend.

A-me received a steam shark for Christmas, and when we finally got around to using it we were astonished. The little mopping cloth that started out brilliant white turned black with our undetectable floor grime. Holy shit... we're pigs! This thing cleans so damn well it pulls the varnish off your floors, it cleans so thoroughly it takes the sheen away, and all the while it has the ability to reduce your self esteem. Damn thing is amazing AND! it makes you feel like a complete idiot for what you once thought "clean" was.

Between the hours of 6 -7 p.m. dinner is served at our house. Mr. 5, Mr. 7, and myself usually glide through the dining room in our socks. We start off in the living room, and our socks can attain that powerful static energy that will propel us across the dining room in one graceful slide. Not with the steam shark. No. As soon as our socks hit that floor after it had been "cleaned" it was like placing a vacuum on your forehead. STUCK. ...and what does this do to a person who's momentum is hurling them towards the kitchen? It creates a gravitational pull like no other. It gives you the sensation you might be a Barbie doll as your leg is being torn out of your hip socket. It gives you .003 seconds to perform a skipping or hopping action before it instantaneously slams your face and body into the floor. AWESOME!

But I'll have you know, after only a week of our filthy lifestyle we have returned to our normal floor gliding techniques.

The concept of the treasure hunt will captivate children for two or three minutes before they learn how to cheat!

If parents are concerned about the competitive nature some games breed, they can be put to ease with this children's game, unless you have more than one child.

Cariboo plays on a child's inquisitive nature by teaching your child to ask "why?" for hours!

Parents will be glad to know that Cariboo has undergone safety testing, and the treasure balls smell worse than latex!

Kids match letters, numbers, shapes, colors, and learn argument skills as they practice sharing and turn-taking by not wanting to pass the key.

A game that teaches letter and word recognition, great for any preschooler or illegal immigrant!

An award winning game that will bore the brains right out of your child!

The game is geared for the shorter attention span of young children, making it easier to only play once!

Mr. 4 gives it 1 thumb up and says... "I smell balls!"

Space Aliens, where prices have gone up and portions have come down!

Space Aliens is a whole lot of family fun, to distract you while we rob you blind!

Space Aliens is the place to be, if you like listening to screaming children jingling tokens.

Space Aliens, where the games are better than Chuck E. Cheese, unless they are broken, which they probably are.

Space Aliens! Burning your pizza since 1993!

Space Aliens, the only place it's still legal to scare the living shit out of your child with an 8 foot alien costume!

Space Aliens, where tables are sticky, children are sticky, and salmonella is free!

Space Aliens, causing parental meltdowns one prize at a time!

Swiffer gives cleaning a whole new meaning by pushing around shit you thought you had already swept off the floor.

Swiffer's Lift & Lock Pockets smear dust, dirt, hair, and common allergens all over your fresh smelling tiles.

Swiffer. An all-around clean, all around your home... except the bathroom, kitchen, and dining room.

Swiffer Wet-Jet is an all-in-one, ready-to-use mopping system that thoroughly coats your floor with a magnetic force field to attract and lock down all forms of filth.

Swiffer Wet-Jet All-In-One Power Mop can be used for all your health and wellness needs, and it tastes great too.

Swiffer Wet-Jet is safe on virtually all floors because it's cleaning action requires you to be an Olympic gold medalist for boat rowing.


Humor-Blogs.com

A water packed adventure for all ages!!
Welcome to our 9 foot runway designed to haul any out of shape ass 0-60 in 4.2.

WARNING:
May cause slight disability in fine motor skills. Use of this product may also cause lumbar throbbing, noodle-like posture, and prohibit normal walking activities.

PRECAUTION:
Remove all spectators within 15 feet, as our product will launch you directly into stationary lawn furniture.

DIRECTIONS:
Attach garden hose to external valve. Swear. Go buy adapter and o-ring. Attempt to attach adapter. Realize that’s the pool hose. Swear some more. Put the Wal-Mart bag consisting of 10 dollars of useless hose equipment on the grass. Connect garden hose. Go turn on water. Step on steel adapter inside Wal-Mart bag. Swear again. Tell kids you need 10 more minutes. Cry like a little girl. Allow runway to completely fill with water before attempting to commit severe self injury.
Possible new product names:
Flip n Cried
Slid n Died
Flop n Ride
Chap n (raw) Hide