Have you ever watched "Office Space?" Yes, no, maybe, who cares? Well if you have or have not, there is a very annoying line in that movie that rings all too true for my daily life: "Somebody's got a case of the Mondays"

Well, no shit, Sherlock. Nobody likes a Monday, nobody, unless your home life is so devastatingly horrible you spend the weekends in bed crying or drinking yourself into oblivion. That or you're a working fool that is more retarded then sane and you should be slapped with a toaster. Perhaps, you just don't know any better... it doesn't matter, Mondays suck!

I was not shocked, or even a bit surprised this morning when I walked outside to start my car. It's a Monday, I wouldn't have been shocked to walk outside and find the Easter Bunny banging the Tooth Fairy. Nope, it would not have phased me a bit. So when I spotted the flat front tire I shrugged it off as an ordinary Monday occurrence, lit my morning cigarette and started the car as usual.

I have a small can of compressed air in the shed, just enough to get me the 8 blocks to a gas station with an air hose. Unfortunately the shed isn't heated and it was a blistering 14 degrees outside this morning, so the can was frozen. I may as well have been trying to cram a frozen piece of dog shit into the valve stem for as smoothly as this process was working. I took the can in the house and set it in front of a heating vent, hoping it would thaw out and be usable, but as my luck would have it... not usable.
PERFECT!!

I've never had to use the jack that's in my car, not until today anyways, and might I say it's one of the lightest and more efficient little knuckle grinders I've ever used. Of course that's only after you have to spend five minutes trying to figure out how to get it out of the clips. These weren't any ordinary clips either, these were technologically advanced clips that pretty much soldered the fucking thing against the rear fender of my car.
BRILLIANT!!

Not only did I struggle with the damn jack, but I struggled again once the lug nuts were removed. Apparently my wheel and rotor had been coalesced. Fused together in rusted matrimony to remain as one.
AWESOME!!

So I wandered back out to the shed to dig for the WD-40 I knew was in there, but it didn't appear to be in there. At least not for the first 5 minutes that I looked on the one shelf where I kept it. So I thoroughly rummaged through the carton of spray paints expecting it to be hidden amongst them instead. Nope. Another 5 minutes wasted. Becoming frustrated I stood up, took a deep breath, and noticed the little red cap staring back at me from the first shelf. The can had fallen over. Still there, straw attached and everything, was the can of WD-40, right in front.
FRIED FUCKING BREAD, WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!

I lost it. I swore all the way up to my car. I swore as I sprayed the entire contents of the can on my wheel. I swore as I kicked off an aerobic workout of wrenching the wheel back and forth, and back and FORTH AND BACK AND FORTH! I swore as I scared the neighbor lady who had the audacity to ask if I needed help while I was in the middle of my vituperative tirade of why I loathe Mondays. "NO. I don't need any help! Thanks for asking!
gotdamsunovacocksuckinwhoremongralpieceoffuckingshit!!!!"

I'm okay about it now. The flat is in the backseat. WD-40, compressed air, jack, tire iron, you name it... if it can be associated with putting a donut on your vehicle it's rolling around on the floor of my car. I suppose I should get the neighbor lady a fucking fruit basket or something, whatever, it's her own damn fault really...

Yup, another happy Monday.
Happy Monday to all my readers!!!
...assholes.