New years resolutions? Fuck that. I'd like to say that any normal person with hopes beyond their wildest ambitions is a solid strike on the idiot list. I've never put together a resolutions list, never figured there to be any point to it what so ever, fate is fate, and your destiny lies there in... right? Are the people that put a resolutions list together more ambitious than I? Are they more likely to reach their goals, is their perseverance greater than mine, or are they just full of piss and shit like everyone else?

Well... fuck you list making fools, I want in on the action too... (whatever it may be.)

1. Top of the list... the wishful thinking and damn near unattainable goal. I would put something down that attributes my physic, but what's the point? I don't really give two shits if I lose 20 pounds, I just pray I'm smart enough to not gain 20 pounds. So my number one, completely asinine goal of 2009 is to have sex more than once a month. Sounds easy enough, right?

2. Actually, I think if I could just focus on goal number one I'd be completely satisfied, but.. a list isn't a list without a few numbers. My secondary goal for 2009 is to move. Out of this piece of shit house... I'm moving. So-long to the flooding basement, the fucked up thermostat, and the pretty princess pink and purple kitchen.

3. Prior to moving I'd like to formally introduce myself to the doomsday neighbor by placing a large pile of flaming cow shit on their front steps. I'm not finding this out of line, or even significantly unattainable, especially since the red headed beast is a cunt that wields an electric snow-blower.

4. Finish my portfolio. Finding the motivation has been rather easy, it's just finding the ambition. It's not like I can just walk into a studio without credentials, so here's to finding the time and will power to draw as many pages of flash as humanly possible until my fingers bleed and/or my eyes fall out.

5. This is going to be my ace in the hole. My one feel good check mark on my huge ass list of 5 resolutions. I would have made it something completely worthwhile like watch more porn, or masturbate more often, but then I would squash my inner carnage for standing resolute with number 1. So, my easy-peasy goal of 2009 is going to be consuming more alcohol. After my New Years eve festivities the signs of binge drinking have faded away from my personality. I'm almost to the point of finding a game of Uno more attractive than a night out with A-me. It's time to get my priorities straight, plus getting a few drinks down shouldn't hurt my chances for attaining the number 1 goal.