S.S.C.S.I.
So... I decided to man up and actually claim to have some sort of blogging adventurous streak. You know, actually partake in the camaraderie of well... writing for the fun of writing.
Last night, after my 2 day hiatus from healthy living I finally got around to checking my emails. I could say I was a little flabbergasted. I could say I was a little confused, why? Because my swap parter was the queen BEE herself. The orchestrator. The mastermind. The ingenious little shit that planned the whole ordeal of offering Saint Nick a one way ticket to Fuckitsville.
Is the pressure on? Like running a 30 mile marathon with a blasting fire hose rammed up my ass...
I put a lot of thought into this, well... obviously not a whole lot, since I'm on a deadline to complete this today and I just figured out how this whole set up worked this morning. So my chances of impressing the queen Bee with my worker drone capabilities are pretty fucking slim at this point. My only hope is to probably throw in a few more curse words than usual in hopes to make it more appealing. ASSBAG!
At first blush, I considered giving Bee a set of screaming pickles. You know... the ones that are terrified that their little lives are about to end as they drown in a bowl of ice cream.
[*Note to self: Insert funny little photo of screaming pickles here. Hey!! Get out of this little segment, this is for authors only!]
But then I revised my thought process and remembered Bee said some people correlate this craving with pregnancy. And I'm definitely not a licensed Gynecologist, but I'll still take a look.
Well that was awkward, now wasn't it. Okay, okay, no more pick up lines.
So you'll be happy to know that I've done a little 
digging on Miss Bee, and I've run across something that could possibly fulfill her destiny of living the "dream." I'm just not sure if Bee is up to the challenge of chasing after an alligator snapping turtle for the next 60 to 80 years. I mean seriously? She already complains about the dogs' breath and their unbearable criticism, how is she going to manage with the eye watering sensations of a turtle fart?
So, I began to focus on her work. I really don't know what it is that Bee is supposed to be doing, but I know that she hangs out in an office environment with an occasional hiccup or two about the right and wrong ways to wipe. And I also know that some days her coworkers are irritating like hemorrhoids.
I think I've finally got something here, the perfect gift. Something ass related, work related, and it appears to be handy as hell.
So there it is, the "butt station desktop set" available for purchase at stupid.com. He comes in a variety of colors.. umm...
He is available for purchase in a variety of colors.
I believe you have to stuff the orifices full all by yourself... but this should make riding that desk a little more fun.
Merry Christmas Bee!!
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12 comments:
LMAO I totally bought the butt station thing for my boss a few months ago. I think it will be his best Christmas gift EVER. OK so that'a lie but at least I can laugh when he opens it.
And I can say that I've had snapping turtles growing up. Can anybody else claim they did too? I think not. Yea I just gave away that I live in Louisiana didn't I?
BWAHAHAHAHAHA!! I love it!
And I'm glad you changed your mind about the turtle, I just recently killed my fish Chili Palmer (BY ACCIDENT)(I guess you're supposed to feed them?) and I wouldn't want to be responsible for another death so soon after the funeral.
I have never /stalked your blog before, but this post was so funny I will plan to dig around some more when i am not on works dime. The choice of gift was priceless... who would not love to unwrap a butt station. I need to find who was cursed with my name.
Tiffany... i'm actually thinking about buying this... for my big fat selfish self.
Bee!! yeah, i tried to go a little more serious with this once i re-read your original on it, and you were "scared" to see what i would give... haha
and... Siren, you're more then welcome to hang out, while you're here, you mind dusting???
Hahahaha...I can see Bee now digging deep for more paper clips!
I don't think you could have picked a funnier gift than that butt station. I can just picture Bee using that at work....it definitely gives me the giggles.
I'm soooo glad you joined in the fun Orion. You make me laugh long time!!!
Ummm, btw, where exactly is Fuckitsville *snickering*
Perfect choice. I'm sure she will treasure it.
The desk set is perfect. Especially the highlighter shoved in the mouth.
I love the butt station! Now that I have a desk and a job, I need to get one of those. Yesterday the doctor I work for asked me what my license plate meant. He said "That's Spanish for 'to seek', right?" I said nooo, it's Finnish for 'shit pants'. He did a double take, then burst out laughing. I may wait until my three month probation period is over before I get the butt station.
Great post, Orion! You certainly did have lots of pressure on that one! Hope you shut off the fire hose.
HA!
I can imagine the glee as she collates a document for OZ and holds it together from something coming out of a butt.
Mind you, she could have fed her co-workers to the turtle ...
It's a toss up for me. I like the butt/desk thing, but the screaming pickles actually made me laugh out loud! Way to get out of the box.
Darling I am so sorry I did not make it over here but honest to god I ran out of time. Swear. I have an office too and I would love to have the butt station, but for the same reason I can't keep my "thumb tack" at work is because someone wold steal it.
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