Well, did you pass through phase one unscathed? Did you make it through Thanksgiving? Can you still feel your legs.. or more importantly... can you still see your legs?

Welcome to phase two, the Holiday Scramble.

If you're fully aware of all your limbs then most likely you've made your gift list, checked it twice, even checked it a third time for the naughty and nice. You've set price caps on everyone's gift, and you don't even feel guilty about it. You've even removed the bad gift-givers, but there is still no other way to get the damn list smaller. This year, just like every year, no matter how hard you try, or how few you buy for, you'll still wind up in debt.

You will buy gifts the size of Manhattan, and don't tell me you haven't. Everyone buys one of those retarded gifts that comes in an awkward 4 pound box the size of a worn out queen sized mattress, and you'll sit there staring at it wondering.. "Do I have enough wrapping paper for this? How in the fuck do I get this in my car?"

Some gifts will be as shiny and expensive as Vegas. Their cheap and tawdry design will break before you can even seal the gift wrap. And just like a sleazy Vegas hooker that cheap piece of shit will be tossed to the curb before the gift exchange is through. Least, but not last, remember those other gifts... the gifts that you've put absolutely no caring thought into, those will most definitely be indecisive, inexpensive, last minute, "I found this at the dollar store!" type of presents.

You will become a shopping machine, looking for that quick "in and out" route for each store, determining a customer to square footage ratio and computing a negative answer every time. The odds, are NOT in your favor, but you will strive ahead for that bargain dollar gift... that "Oh my God! She'll just love it!" present. You will out corner, out pace and out shop any fool in your way... and for what? those nifty hand knit socks? that lovely sweater from Macy's that will shrink the first wash never to be worn again?

Look forward to spending countless hours hunting for that "close to the door" parking spot, when instead you could have walked your lazy ass to the doors and been out already. The time for giving has arrived.. and you'll give the finger.. your two cents.. and a fistful of anger to any one that is jeopardizing your holiday.

Think you can leave all that behind you at the store? Think again because you will become obsessed with those annoying flyer's that arrive in the mail. Each one now containing juicy morsels of information for your Christmas catering quest. Here's a tip: Get a gift card!! save yourself the trouble!!!! Gift cards don't shrink, only their value!!

If you can make it through the merry madness your energy will most definitely be rewarded with those Hanes underwear you've always wanted... congratulations! Wait... didn't you buy these last year for uncle Dickhead?