9 AM: I begin this wonderful Saturday midway through a conversation before I even realize I'm awake.

A-me: "are you already all packed for my mom's birthday?" I notice she has that crinkled forehead stare going on already.
Orion: "no... Didn’t I tell you yesterday I have 2 appointments today, I’ve gotta stay in town so I can open the shop"
A-me: "You're not coming. Great Orion, I told them you were coming. I hate you... "

10 AM: I find the breakfast table banter is absurdly comical for some reason.

6-yr-old: "I woke up to go potty, and I went back to bed"
4-yr-old: "I woke up to go potty, and I wiped my butt"

12 PM: I walk the nuclear family to the car and help pack everything. WALK to the car, because the road is still... NOT THERE! (I'd post a picture of the workers in there green little vests, holding shovels and watching 1 guy work... but I don't want to spend the 4 hours getting the damn thing off my turd of a cell phone. And no, it probably wouldn't be a turd if I hadn't fell into the pool with the stupid thing in my pocket, but the fact is.. It IS a turd.)

2 PM: I decide the house is spectacularly clean... no pee smell and I've even done some laundry. Receive apologetic phone call from customers who are most likely unable to make it today due to some unforeseen catastrophic something or another... WHATEVER! Jerks.

3 PM: with impeccable timing as usual, Aime sends a text asking if the tattoos are underway. Imagine her you're fucking dead Orion sweet and delicate response when I inform her that there isn't going to be any appointments today. Yup, you guessed it... not even the "I cleaned the whole house" will earn me brownie points. I might as well unfold the futon and break out the porn collection for the next week or so.

4 PM: I stare into the freezer waiting for anything to stand out and wave to me, but it doesn't. After rummaging through frozen boxes of imitation food I’ve come to a crossroads between beef and bean burritos or chicken TV dinner. I toss 2 burritos into the nuker-wave and retrieve a dew from the fridge. I place a "snap-cap" onto my can of Mt. Dew. These caps are AWESOME! You can drink a can of dew 10 times faster than normal and still get that shitty metal taste!

4:15 PM: I burn the flesh off my fingers in a fit of starvation because I was too stupid to let the pile of Americanized Mexican food cool off before ripping it out of the microwave. SMART! 3 bites into my burrito I had a septic feeling about my choice of dinner. Again, AWESOME!

4:30 PM: I escape from the clutches of the toilet and watch something related to the Olympics. I am immediately exhausted from watching all the action and decide I should do something more active, like create a new banner for my blog. Did you see it?

6 PM: I text A-me to see what she's doing, and begin downloading music.

9 PM: I notice A-me has not responded to my text message and immediately begin rummaging for extra pillows, blankets and porn for the basement.