It’s such a ...bold headline, isn’t it? The following short story will depict how I, with the unnecessary help of others, have become the worthless pile that I am today.

Day 1. I suppose the beginning of this short tragedy begins Thursday of last week, with me debating on whether I should leave my car parked in the driveway or not. Well, are they or are they not going to be tearing out our road this week? How damn hard can it be to notify the residents when they’ll have to park their cars 2 miles away, conserve their water because it’s getting turned off, and bring decent walking shoes with them because it’s now going to be a short hike just to get into my front door…
Oh, really… that hard huh? Well I’m really looking forward to waking up 10 minutes earlier. Oh, and I love to walk… seriously I do, that’s why I sit on my ass all day… but I guess saving my car alignment, my neck alignment, and the life of my tires makes redoing the road all worth it.
And you’re right. It is the 4th of July… construction workers get vacations too; I’ll leave it in the driveway.

2 bicycles, 4 backpacks, 1 knee-board, 2 ski-ropes, 1 $160 tube, 2 DVD-screens, 5 Spider-Man DVDs, 1 more backpack full of toys, 3 life-jackets, 2 booster seats, 2 blankets, $150 worth of fireworks, 1 purse, 1 wallet, did you lock the shed?, cell-phones, cell-phone chargers… Okay, did I miss anything? Gas, pop, and smokes… got it; shit… where are the boys? 2 hungry, crabby little munchkins dying of boredom and anticipation… I think that’s everything. Now, how in the hell is all of this going to fit into the car?

After 2 wonderful hours of…
“I can’t hear the movie!!” vs. “So, what? I can’t hear the radio!!”
“I’M HUNGY!”
“These seats are horrible, I can’t feel my legs anymore… can you?”
“Don’t drink all the water!” vs. “I’m not! You drank all the water!”
“BOYS! Share the water!”
“I can’t hear the movie!!” …we arrive, unload, and unwind. “Hey! Give that back to your brother …NOW!!”

(Brain = Mush, Ass = Sore, Wallet = Empty… the usual travel hazards)

Day 2. I awake, the pull out sofa has treated me rather… “DEAR GOD! WTF is wrong with my eye!!” The bloodshot agony that has consumed my right eye leaves me without depth perception and bleak peripheral vision… I am assuming that’s why I rammed my face right into the bathroom door frame, but I could be completely wrong.
Several hours later we begin our journey to the fun filled promises of the lake, 3 minutes into our 30 minute drive the inevitable begins.

“MOM! MOM! MOM! MOM! MOM!” vs. “WHAT?!?!?!?!”
“How many more miduts?”
“25 more minutes and we’ll be there… now shush.”
…and the vicious cycle continued on for the next 24 miduts while I prayed for my eye to stop throbbing.

First things first, I put the children and the mom into the 3 man tube… and tried not to piss myself when I witnessed their facial expressions float from mediocre smile to oh-Mother-of-God-we’re-gonna-die terror as they flopped like “bobble-heads”, popped up like “Whac-a-moles”, and bounced like the impossible spring loaded “pogo-sticks.”
The second event included reminding myself that it had only been 10 years, and I couldn’t be that out of shape, and the water really isn’t that choppy today, and… I was wrong, on all counts. Knee boarding plus 2ft. waves inevitably equal my demise.

Between the swimming, the knee boarding, the throbbing pains, and the uncontrollable laughter as I watched my family and friends get tossed around like ragdolls for hours on end, I somehow managed to forget about applying any sun screen to my skin as I sat in the blistering sun.

After a long drive home, we had a great grilled dinner, the kind of dinner that you really couldn’t tell if it tasted bad or not because you inhaled it. And soon to follow was fighting with the kids, the dogs, the mosquitoes, the Aloe Vera bottle that kicked my ass, and the problems associated with relearning how to dress myself.

We later ventured off into the country to blow off cheap pyrotechnics, imported from some foreign country. I sacrificed more skin by waving my glowing, hot, very very hot, camel shit punk away from the kids eyeballing the goodies and planted it right into my wrist. I opened an all you can eat buffet for all mosquitoes and their close relatives before throwing 2 days worth of wages into the sky for 3 seconds worth of Ahs and Ooh’s. All of which was upstaged by a field full of fireflies. The little jerks, no matter how fascinating it was to see their green bodies flickering to and fro, they stole all my glory.

(Arms = Noodles, Knee = Destroyed, Skin = Fried, Walking = Impossible… the usual 4th experience)

Day 3. …I really can’t go on any further. After reliving the first 2 days of awkward pains and knowing what disappointments the 3rd and 4th days held I refuse to continue with my story.

All in all… it was a great weekend, can’t wait for next year.