1. Stop Hitting The Snooze Button.
No seriously, sweetheart….
I know you hate it when I call you that in the morning, but the radio’s barely holding together with duct-tape as it is… you keep beating it like that and we’ll have to bust into the kids’ college tuition to get a replacement.

2. Don’t Make Any Life Altering Decisions.
Set your clothes out the night before while you are still hopped up on caffeine and nicotine. This way it will be easier to do the zombie-shuffle prior to waking the children.

3. Avoid Waking The Children Before You Are Dressed.
The over-night tea party you were not invited to at 2 a.m. will definitely decay their morning judgment to not whine, cry, throw themselves on the floor in a fit of agony because they didn’t tell you on Friday they needed to bring 842 cupcakes to daycare for the morning spot-light surprise extravaganza. Having your things in order will make it a lot easier when you’re dragging a 50 lb. epileptic rag doll into the car with all the neighbors watching with social services on speed dial.

1. Remain Calm When Unexpected Surprises Arise.
He didn’t wet his pants on purpose. If you had just given him an additional hour to convey his concerns about the cupcakes we wouldn’t be having this issue.
Swear under your breath… you can always, SON OF A BITCH! Where are your shoes???!

2. Enjoy The Small Things.
Dropping your children off at daycare. (No further explanation at this point.)

3. Chain Smoke.
Open Mt. Dew and down it while you wait for the left turn signal that takes
"COME ON! WILL YOU JUST GO YOU GAS GUZZLING SON OF A"
….light one cigarette, have the other out of the package and ready to go.
Not only will this keep your mouth shut but also help prevent getting some unconventional ticket for road rage and public harassment. If you time this right you can squeeze in 3 smokes before walking into the gates of “hell-o, good morning, how was your weekend” monotony.

4. Try To Be Thankful.
I could be out in 90 degree weather with high humidity.
Smile, then bitch and moan about the open air vent and how ridiculously fucking cold it is in here!
Put On Cheap Fleece Lined Hoodie.
Shake your head and shrug it off as you receive dumb looks from everyone else who is only wearing a t-shirt.
No, Asshole! I'm wearing this because i idolize Mr. Rodgers... PRICK! YES, I'M FUCKING COLD!

6. Enjoy Camaraderie.
Laugh out loud when making jokes with elderly co-workers on smoke breaks. Funny bastard.
Help make snide comments to other coworkers.
When relay about the mammogram turns a foot…
ask if they found hard lumps… like her kneecaps.

7. Prepare To Run Into Work.
Not with zeal and zest for working,
but with fear the book-keeper is going to kick your ass if you make another saggy tits joke.

8. Set Low Standards.
Realize it’s only Monday, and not give a shit that you can't even number this stupid thing correctly. Making a 42 step list would definitely be an over-achieving, ass kissing convention, Friday sort of list.