I have an issue every so often, let's call it a photostatic memory of the most awkward or detrimental moments of my childhood, and with that I'm going to kick this off with a very simple and obvious statement:

"No one likes to see/hear/witness any part of their parents performing sexually related acts."

It's unnatural... and I have the urge to scratch out my eyes and vomit even now. I shudder at the thought of it like I would the thought of getting teeth pulled out with a pliers covered in cotton balls. It's UNNATURAL, I don't care what you say.

Whether it's just a simple glance, gesture, comment... or anything else possibly related to sex and my parents I feel the need to impale my eyes with the nearest sharp object I can find. Among other sensations I can swear I feel my stomach imploding while I instinctively begin to convulse. I chew the meat of my tongue to interrupt any further thought process with dull aggravating pains.

Maybe some of you were more fortunate than I was as a child. Maybe some of you can put my experiences to shame... but either way, I don't care... these are MY disgusting parents.

I couldn't have been any older than 6 or 7 that year my parents scarred me for life and when I think back on it now i'm not even sure at the time if I knew what was going on. But I do now! And this bothers me.

I can remember one summer day I had a question. It was a very important question. I can't remember what the question was, but it had to be a pretty damn important question if we lived on a lake and i decided to come all the way into the house for whatever reason mid-afternoon.

I can remember the door was open, I don't recall hearing anything... but then again I was maybe 7 years old so it's not like I pay that much attention to my surroundings. I walked in, and there they were. There weren't stark ass naked, and they were not viciously thrashing in the bed, but I knew something was different. I couldn't put my finger on it then... but a few years later it struck me like a ton of bricks during my second encounter with a woman, that memory came rushing into my brain like some broken dam suppressing immediate impotency.

I was 15 years old, about to rail a senior cheerleader with every last ounce of inexperienced boyhood I had left, and when I slid her comforter up over my naked ass my mom's face came flooding into my eyes.

I don't remember if I screamed like a little girl on a carousel. I don't remember if I ran out of her room with the comforter wrapped around my waist. I don't even remember if I was wearing a condom. All I can tell you from that mortifying day is that my mom and dad became a serious fucking problem for me.

And what brings me around to share this memorable moment... I saw her over the weekend, the magnificent beauty that I ran from. She hasn't changed at all. I found out she lives about 10 miles from me. She has 3 children. She's been married twice now. It took us a few hours to catch up and get comfortable with one another but eventually that question reared it's ugly head. She says that she still wonders from time to time what she did wrong that day 13 years ago, and I replied by telling her it was "retinal scarring".