the doomsday dwelling (beauty and the beastly fish killer)
The topic of today's discussion is the doomsday house, and how I wish they would tear the damn thing down, occupants and all. At this very moment something inside of me wishes that nosy fucking landlord would just die, and yeah... I mean that exactly like it says there. I want the bastard to get smeared by a speeding bus, and I know that's rotten of me, but I don't care.
I've been living in my house for around 3 years now and I've come to appreciate the neighbors to the right of me. They've collected my mail while I was away on vacation. They are very caring, and disturbingly enough, their nosiness comforts me when they know I'm out of town before I do.
The house on the left however, is a completely different story, and I found that out the first week I moved into town. The doomsday occupants, at the time, were a rather young couple that I assume at one time could have been high school sweethearts. She looked like something out of a sports illustrated magazine with her blond hair and legs. Legs, that's all I can really remember about her. Anyways... he looked something like a young and aspiring Sean Astin with big teeth, matted hair, and a fucking myriad of camouflage outfits to hide his true goonie.
The first 3 months I listened to the voices shriek out in sexual angst. Their college bodies and preschool minds clashed like titans through the evenings. She would yell about school and working, he would yell about sex and booze, and I would sit and watch Fox TV on a 13" monitor. A 13" monitor that couldn't drown out the shrill voices bickering over a ninety-dollar-case-of-HPV. A 13" monitor because I didn't have my TV yet, and I didn't have my family yet. I had only had the faintly comforting voices of Fox TV and the neighbors before my real entertainment arrived.
The neighbors kept me up most nights, and prevented me from napping most days. My lack of sleep must have impaired my judgment, because I found many of their arguments amusing. I thoroughly enjoyed the time she chased him out of the house with a flip-flop, whipping him in the head as she vehemently scolded him about a fishing trip he had taken two weeks prior. Apparently she didn't like that the beer cooler outside was still full of fish and water, but thank the lord he saved the beer from getting warm in this 80 degree spring of heat.
Eventually, A-me and the boys moved in. Eventually, the book dodging sweethearts moved out, and eventually, from the comfort of a lounge chair on my deck, I watched the landlord dump out the beer cooler in mid August heat. I watched him gag and heave as he reeled his arms back to cover his nose. The flood of a tempestuous cloud of decomposing trout over took the scrawny man as he ran to the lawn to let the consistent choke escalate to the dry heaves.
I watched him pull furniture, rugs, clothes, and a mess of other shit out to the road. I watched him as he "cleaned" the house and gave tours of the available space; and later that fall I watched the next tenant move in. So stick around my page this week for another exhilarating post about this shit heap of a house I endearingly call the doomsday dwelling.
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15 comments:
We all have neighbors from Hell at one point or another. Seems it is your time right now. Lucky you!
I had the Bundy's. Three kids whose mother was their sister & a father who kept his beer in the snowbanks. They shot their dinner...usually in my yard with a .22 aimed at my sliding glass doors, other times with bows & arrows. They rode their snowmobiles and ATVs after midnight around their 1/4 acre yard in a big circle creating an oval mud track. I moved, they didn't and they still grace the neighborhood with their presence & the police still make "domestic abuse" calls on a regular basis. Damn. That's a whole post, isn't it? Wanna start a "Neighbors I Can't Stand" series?
Deb... i'm with ya!! that's pretty much where i'm going with this series... but the sad part for me... all these shitty neighbors have been in the doomsday house. haha
oh man, crazy neighbors, unfortunately, usually outlive their entertainment value! looking forward to learning about the other trashy peeps that have lived in that house.
That's why I won't live in town...
Well MY neighbor is in jail and his yard has grown up so much that skunks live there. But at least I don't have to see his ugly fucking weasly little face anymore. That IS for another few months. Then he gets out. Fuck me! He better not start any shit. He weighs 50 pounds soaking wet so I think I could take his skinny ass in a fight.
I had neighbors when I lived in the city. I thought about being an axe murderer for a day and then I moved to the middle of no where. I don't have nieghbors anymore, and I haven't really been homicidal since!
Chat... there's at least one family that i know i can't even wrap up in one post.
Venom... FINE! be that way.
Tiffany... soon enough, haha... soon enough you'll be posting about your notable 50lb friend. i can feel it.
Nuc! sometimes those homicidal tendencies are the highlights of my days. should i seek help?
I've been noticing something disturbing around my neighborhood. It seems there are going to be a lot of pre-teens and teens out in the summer this year. I guess I hadn't noticed that 4 years went by and those little kids who were constantly being monitored by their parents grew up and are now skateboarding on my street with no fear of my mini tank running them over. I guess I'll have to make an example of one.
P.S.
The way you write makes my eyes sing.
bee??
sing??
i don't get it :|
sing = happy, joyful
because you do it so well.
See, I try to say something nice...
well... i've never heard anyone use that expression before.
so... umm, do they dance too?
Your story only validates my living 45 minutes from the nearest highway - far from the maddening crowd. If a coyote or owl keeps me awake, I just open the window and shout, "Shut the fuck up" and no one calls the cops.
MeMe... i just can't put myself into the desolation like that. I think i'm afraid of "country-livin'"
Did you have to describe the rotting fish so well? My stomach is not liking you right now. Neither is my gag reflex...but that's not new.
has your gag reflex always hated me so?
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